I am not a very patient person. In fact, I am anything but.

And that is especially true when I am driving the 2 minute drive it takes me to go from my house to the ocean. And yes, I'm talking about going surfing. That drive as short as it seems, can sometimes feel like an eternity when you get behind someone who is not driving the speed limit. And for the record, the speed limit on Rte 27 varies between 30mph and 35mph. That's hardly the INDY 500. That's an acceptable speed limit for the suburban community I dwell in. So why would anyone intentionally drive 20 or 25mph?

I'll tell you why. Because their dumb asses are on their "smart ass" phones!

I call my new Android a "smart ass phone" because it's way smarter than me.
And it's always being a smart ass to me, when I need it to be just plain smart and easy to use. The fact that I have to hold down and drag an icon to answer the phone is absurd. That's not smart. That's being a smart ass. Hold down and drag to answer the phone? Are you freaking kidding me? I am having a hard enough time figuring all this new technology out without having to perform some mental exercise just to answer the damn phone. I want to hit a button and say "hello."

But you should hear my ring tone. Jimi's "Voodoo Chile Slight Return." Classic.

OK, so the other day while working in my studio, I looked over at one of my computers and saw that the swell had come up, and the wind had switched. I had a short window to go down and catch a few waves before my next deadline. I grabbed my board and trunks and drove east. I had Jimi blasting on the stereo and I was getting myself pumped for a good surf sesh. And then it happened.

Some older gent in his mid to late 60's driving a pick-up pulled in front of me and
proceeded to slow down then speed up, and hit his brakes indiscriminately. I was like "What the hell...?" Then I spotted it. The small compact phone next to his ear. He was carrying on a conversation with God knows who, about who the hell knows what, and he was as animated as anyone could possibly be while driving his pick-up. He was laughing and gesturing with his hands the whole time.

But the man was driving 10 to 15mph BELOW the speed limit!

Now I realize the old Ralph would of done a number of things. Leaned on my horn. Yelled out my window. Flash my lights. You know. Totally aggro mode. The new Ralph is sort of like a cross between Larry David and Joe Pesci. I did gesture with my hands, the all too familiar exasperated look of "What the hell are you doing?"

But he never made eye contact with me.

He was too busy carrying on with the other "party". I mean this guy was in his own world. Driving so slow and hitting his brakes. Laughing the whole time. I was trying to imagine what he could of been yakking about. Or who he could of been talking to. Was it his co-worker? His kids? His wife? His mistress? My mind was trying to pick up on the source of my misery. It could of been any of those I suppose.

And really? It's none of my business. Except, he was driving on a public road. And that makes it my business, and the two other vehicles stacked up behind me. Who by the way were becoming inpatient with me. Like I had any control of the laughing conversation in front of me. It's easy to see how road rage is spawned. I will say this with 100% certainty...he was NOT talking to a surfer about the waves down the street. Of that I am certain.

No surfer would drive like that when there are waves. Am I right people?

I've had three speeding tickets in my long driving career. All of them heading to ocean and surf. And let me tell you, there's nothing more frustrating then to get pulled over when you are so close to the ocean. Nothing. I swore after each time throughout my life that I would pay more attention to the speed limits when heading to the surf. And all you Groms out there should pay close attention to that. Not only do you have to pay a fine but your insurance goes up. And whether you pay, or your mommy and daddy pay, you will end up paying for it one way or another. Trust me. It's not worth it. Just drive the speed limit.

So we did finally make eye contact at the Ocean Blvd lights. I was going right to
the Wall and he was heading north. I looked over at him and gave him the "What
the hell?" gesture..and he looked back and gave me the same. I shook my head and did the disgusted slight hand wave. You know. The blowing you off wave. Made famous by I believe, Robert DeNiro, or Marlon Brando. I figured my being from the same nationality as my two pisans, I was warranted that wave.

So what's the point of this slight tirade? Simple. Drive the speed limit. Limit your phone conversations while driving to the basics. And PLEASE don't text while driving. Because that is something I have little or no patience for. You can't text while driving. Well, you can, but it's dangerous. You hit me, or someone in my family, or a friend of mine because you were texting? I will make those London Riots seem like a school yard fight. Seriously. I'm chasing you down "Starsky and Hutch Style" and ripping your texting dumb ass out of your vehicle and bitch slapping you back to reality. And you can all thank me afterwards for my good deed.

"Hey I did it for humanity..." Look, I'm kidding....sort of.

Speaking of kidding I went and saw Jimmy Dunn the other night at the Ashworth on the last day of his 3 day Comedy festival on the beach. It was a great show and every comic was hilarious. Especially Jimmy. And ironically, one of his bits was on the drivers who drive 35mph in the high speed lane. Actually, I think he was more specific. He pointed out those with the foreign plates from up north. But in defense of our Northern brothers and sisters, I bet none of the slow pokes were surfers.
They were more than likely tourists. And we all love the tourists. Right?



Speaking of Jimmy, he was in my office on Friday and I was asking if he thought
a certain controversial photo I had, would be funny if I posted it in my PARTING section? Then I realized Jimmy Dunn is hardly the barometer to use when it comes to controversy. (I'm asking a comic who has NO filters this question?)..."Yea...that's funny. Run it." So here it is...but don't blame me. Blame the professional comic.



This is my Garden Scare Crow outside of my home studio...think it will work?
So far so good. The crows and other critters have stayed clear of my garden.

Hope this didn't offend anyone. But if it did, I apologize.

Speaking of not offending anyone. The 4th Annual WOUNDED WARRIORS HIT THE BEACH IV is this coming Thursday. If you have never seen this before it's worth the time to drop by and see it. There's no better feeling than to see and hear these brave men and women who have sacrificed so much for our country, and their families, just have the best day on the beach by trying surfing. It is truly one of the best days of the Summer for me personally and for those who participate.

And once again, my mantra holds true with this event more so than almost all the others...and that is simply "Surfing Heals All Wounds..."